I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
