"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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