I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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