can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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