Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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