remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I will pee on everything he values.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
