Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Bang-toberfest begins!!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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