I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
from now on my penis is your penis
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can you bring me the toilet please
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
