Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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