I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
