this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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