i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
