I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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