how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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