I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
