He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
