don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
