Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize