He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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