She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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