If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I want a musical about memes.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
