you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
