I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
there is glitter all over my balls
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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