please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize