i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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