im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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