my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
