I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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