Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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