I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
