So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
