Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
