you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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