I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
