Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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