Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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