Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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