You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
