If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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