its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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