I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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