I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
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