So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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