Me. At least after what I've been through.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
