grandma shit on top of the toilet
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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