I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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