Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
