He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
