i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
