..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm jealous of your bromance
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
