the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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