Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
