i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
