nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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