I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
