Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
