okay pat passed out under dana's car
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
