Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
