I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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