im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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